Down at WOA headquarters, we’ve got our hands on a leaked document from the FA…
Dear The FA,
It has come to my attention that we, down at the Arsenal, have a problem this Sunday which we need to address you about.
We have an injury to our first choice goalkeeper Manuel Almunia, and as a result, he will be unable to play this weekend. Although Arsene did say that he wouldn’t play again this season so that he could try our second choice goalkeeper out, I can assure you that Almunia is injured and it’s not just a made up story by the club to help vindicate the selection of our second choice goalkeeper.
Almunia will therefore not be able to play due to this back injury, groin injury, wrist injury and therefore we have no other choice but to play our reserve keeper, Lukas Fabianski. Behind him, we have no real depth and can only call on youth keeper Vito Mannone. We cannot call on Wojciech Szczesny as he is on loan at Brentford.
I know that the club has played Lukasz Fabianski over ten times this season, but if you have been watching the games or read the match reports, you would understand that he is absolutely pants. Simple tasks like kicking the in a straight line, jumping for the ball in the air and not picking up a back pass elude the stopper and in order to secure the third place, it is essential that we sign an emergency loan goalkeeper for the last game of the season.
This request may seem a little strange considering our youth prospect Vito Mannone has played and also considering Lukasz Fabianski is not injured. However, based on the recent ruling in favour of Man City, we are actually in a worse off position.
Where we only have one youth player in Vito Mannone available to us, Man City did have four youth players in Loris Karius (17), Tobias Johansen (19), James Wood (19), and Nathan Dean (18) all available. Our younger keepers in James Shea (19) is injured and our even younger keeper Sean Dermott (17) is away on youth duty.
In a similar vein, our second choice keeper, Lukasz Fabianski has 14 international games, but Man City’s reserve keeper Gunnar Nielsen is also capped by his International team. Although Nielsen has played less games than Fabianski, he has conceded less than his Polish counterpart and therefore he is obviously better. As you have allowed Man City to loan Martin Fulop of Sunderland for the last few games of the season, we think we are within our rights to ask for an emergency loan to cover the Fulham game.
We request an emergency loan for Mark Schwarzer of Fulham. This will allow us to compete competitively and have a chance of winning the game. The final game of the season is against Fulham and we presume he would have been rested anyway in favour of playing the final the following Wednesday. We also think this will benefit Fulham as it will give their keeper some experience at a club like us and expose him to our training methods, putting him in good stead for the game against Athletico Madrid. With the defence we have at the moment containing both Silvestre and Traore, he will get a lot of match practice in, so again, this is beneficial for Fulham.
We thank you for your consideration and would request that Schwarzer join us as late as possible as close to the kick off as possible as we’d rather he did not train with any of our other goalkeepers and especially has no involvement with our goalkeeping coach.
If this goes through, we could possible pull off an admirable 0-0 draw at home, it will be epic.