Sunday 12th July
As pre-season training begins, I find myself still at Arsenal. I asked my agent to find me a new club, but no-one seems interested. After scoring only half the goals I did the previous season, trying the leave the whole of the summer and being rewarded with a double your money wage increase this year, surely the fans should love me? But they don’t. It’s not my fault that I was so bad in the semi-finals of the Champions League, I was tired after my long injury break and was marked. After not receiving the ball for the first 10 mins, I thought “why bother”, let me reserve my energy for the end of season party, surely any Arsenal fan would realise the importance of my dancing.
Monday 13th July
Today my agent called me and told me that Manchester were interested in buying me. I am very happy to hear this… especially after selling Ronaldo, I can be their number one striker. I am on a train going up there now…
… as I arrived in Manchester, I was informed that Manchester City were the club after me, not United. This makes me even happier… I can expect a massive sign on deal and maybe another wage increase. Very exciting times. I did think my dream of lower taxes playing abroad in either Italy or Spain would come true, but maybe this will not happen…
My agent has a theory… I was on £40k and I scored 32 goals in one season.. then they doubled my wage to £80k and I scored 16, now Man City say they will give me £160k a week, so I must score 8… if I want a pay increase next year, I must then score 4… There is a formula to this and I seem to have it sussed. Boy, I will be rich.
Tuesday 14th July
Today, I had a medical. It was quite funny, the club made a rookie stub out a cigar on me and checked my tolerance and my anger at this event. I handled it for about 10 seconds and then it was too much, I immediately picked up this boy and through him against the wall rendering him unconscious and was told I passed the medical. Apparently 10 seconds is the record, and I am officially “hard”… I wish my wife would say that one day
I have also agreed the terms of £160k a week, which is only deserved – after all, I did score an overhead against Villareal when I fell over planned it like a world class striker – that goal should have got me this rise alone, so what if I was offside 56 times in May alone? It’s all part of the plan
Wednesday 15th July
Today, I went to have a hearing about my work permit. This work permit stuff is nonsense. I am staying at a hotel in Manchester in order to under the language, but I am finding it hard. I haven’t spoken to the manager yet, but understand he has no say in transfers anyway, so will wait until I sign to meet him.
The hearing went well, I have received a new work permit and all is left for me to do is sign the contract. I thought with all this going on that Milan with their mega Kaka bucks would have called, I will ask my agent to find out.
Thursday 16th July
Today my agent tried to call Milan and Barcelona, but couldn’t get through. Apparently the Milan president has changed his number and my agent doesn’t have it. Maybe he will call my agent, I do not know. My agent said something about signing me over someone’s dead body… so maybe it wil be like an induction and I will have to sacrifice an animal before I join… my agent also said Barcelona would rather sign anyone else but me, but I think this could be a tactical ploy to reduce my fee with Arsenal.
I had a phonecall from Man City, but I got my cat to answer it and tell them that I was in the shower… come on Milan, call quickly… otherwise I will have to move to Man City… but to be honest, I’d prefer less pressure than at Arsenal where they expect me to score and also would prefer more bench time to rest and a go at the Europa League rather than the Champions League…
* Ring ring *